Monday, June 26
When I still lived with my parents in England, we lived in a big house surrounded by trees and the neighbours were far enough away to possibly not hear you if you screamed. Then I moved here.
For the first two years I rented a sweet little studio flat at the top of the town. It had amazing views, but the landlady lived below which was not good. She would let herself in to my flat whenever she felt like snooping. Once, she walked in just as I stepped out of the shower, and rather than apologise she looked annoyed and asked me what I was doing at home..yeah lady, MY home, I pay, now stop snooping and bugger off.
On my birthday I made the grave mistake of inviting 5 friends to dinner. When they sang 'Happy Birthday' to me, we heard a thump at the balcony window. The landlady had taken off her slippers and was throwing them at the window to get my attention. She then screamed at me for daring to invite people round. If I didn't make them leave now, she was calling the police. She later explained that she didn't want any locals to see the flat, because she didn't want them asking if she would rent it to them(?). When Carlo moved in she threw us out.
So we found a new flat. With new neighbours. Different, no slipper throwing or banning friends, but...
There is the Broom Wielding Woman who lives below us. She seems to permamently sweep the floor, which is fine, but, she then bashes that broom on her balcony railing to dislodge the dust, so forcefully that our whole flat trembles. And she does this, standing underneath my daughters bedroom window, at 6.30am, and at any point in the evening just as the kid is drifting off to sleep, causing her to sit bolt upright, convinced theres a monster coming.
This lady has a delightful teenage son who reminds me of Kevin the teenager. He likes to play football on the balcony in the evenings and will sometimes enjoy setting fireworks off after football matches, as before, under my daughters bedroom window. Nice.
And, you,ll never guess what went on in another neighbours flat! Well, 30ish years ago, a woman had a row with her lover, there. She then killed him, chopped him into bits and put him in a suitcase, (as you do). She then called a nearby gardener and made him carry the suitcase down the steps for her, and load it into her car. I have heard that she tried to dump the suitcase on the side of the motorway, but got caught.
The weird thing is, that I am not sure if the family that live there now are the same owners, so is one of those women THAT woman or not? It seems rude to ask...”Buon giorno, ooh, by the way, I was wondering, was it you that chopped a man to bits and stuck him in a suitcase? No? Oh, your sister? Ok, cheers very much, toodle pip!”
Of course, we ourselves must be awful to live near. What with Skye trundling around on her wooden car, Carlo singing very loudly and out of tune and me stomping around like an elephant, it must be enough to make the neighbours bang their brooms violently in protest!
at 6:33 PM