Wednesday, November 15

secret tears

Today I cried, but I did it hiding in my room so that nobody saw me. I feel that up until now, I have been the strong one and have looked after everybody else while they have gone through hell. I feel that, now, after a few weeks have passed,without tears, I am not entitled to cry any more . I have been accepted as the strong one, the one able to cope, the one that will cook dinner, hand wash sweaters, distract Skye if someone else bursts into tears, clean up, hug and reassure others.

But, slowly, slowly, I have felt something building up in me. Mum hasn’t turned up at the door. She hasn’t sent me a text or email, or been sitting on her bed when I have walked into her room. I know that she is gone, but I can’t quite get my head around it. It still feels like she is away on a job abroad. But I am starting to feel the gap left by her, the only other female in the family. The other night I found myself emptying the tumble dryer of 5 mens worth of jumbled socks and underpants, baffled as to what belonged to who. In the end I lay them all out in a line in the hall, instructing everyone to help themselves.

What was it that set me off today? A small insignificant thing that wasn’t worth the tears: Dad took Skye out to play in a large muddy park. He put her new pink shoes on her feet, instead of her wellies. It was wet and muddy in the park. The shoes are ruined, but apparently it doesn’t matter, the mud will come off, he says. But if I had taken her to the park with those new shoes on, he would have scolded me like a naughty child. I would have turned to Mum for reassurance that I was right and she would have backed me up. But I am on my own now, there is no understanding female to turn to.

I probably shouldn’t be spilling my heart out here, but after a couple of glasses of wine, I feel more confident and care free. I acted like a child tonight, and refused to eat dinner. I went out for a drive in my pink fluffy slippers, without telling anyone, realising too late that there was nowhere I wanted to drive to. I came home, tail between my legs and flounced up to my room. I still felt like crying but then Dan phoned. I had promised him that I will always be there to look after him, so I chatted on the phone, promised to bake him a cake for Friday night and asked him about work. That made me feel a bit better, remembering that I have to be there for him. I,ll cope by taking care of others, I might have some bad moments, but as long as somebody asks me to cook dinner or wash or fix something fo them, I'll be OK.

11 comments:

  1. Perhaps if you just allow yourself one good public cry, some of the XY's might try to be there for you. (A long shot, and certainly not a replacement for the Mum backup, but worth a try.) Niall and I send love to you and Dan.

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  2. This may not help much, but if I offer my prayers, maybe you would feel a little more consoled. May the Lord watch over you and send you the grace needed to cope with the loss of your beloved mum.

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  3. all the people that need you will be there for you as well! but sometimes it helps to feel like you need to be there for someone else.
    Hugs!

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  4. I was going to write the exact same thing RaeRae wrote.
    Open up to them; you might be surprised. Letting people get a glimpse of what's inside you is not dangerous, I promise. You can't put yourself aside to help others, not in the long run. You just can't. You need to acknowledge your emotions, or you'll end up in a deep depression where you can help noone.

    In the beginning we all told you to be strong. I think that you've been more than strong enough already. Btw, who decided that you should be the one to be strong enough for 7 people?

    Lots of love to you and yours, and PLEASE sweetheart don't deny yourself to cry and feel sad and weak. You can, you're allowed to, it's okay!

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  5. You just turned into your mother. Whcih from my modst point of view is the best thing that could happen to you.
    BUT
    You also need tiem and space for yourself. We ALL do. Mothers were different in the past, because life and work and times were different.
    So, it's about time to release whatever is that you're holding up. Cry, yell, throw a fit. You'll feel much better plus all your men will realize you're human, or they'll end up thinking they need you for the smallest, craziest, stupidest things.
    Love is expressed and shown in many ways, you'v edone way more than your young age and experience required.
    loosen up now, Niki, you need time to process the whole thing, I'm sure.
    Don't forget you are loved by many.

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  6. I remember when my father died, everyone looked to me to take care of my stepmother & grandmother. I was somehow expected to be the strong one. People (mainly outside of the family) swarmed around my stepmother & grandmother in sympathy, and talked to me like "it's not as hard for you because you're the daughter. That's much easier. You should take care of them." But who was going to take care of me??
    Well, I'm stubborn (got it from my dad) and cried anyway, because I damn well felt like it. I snapped at or ignored those who dismissed my grief.
    Take care of yourself honey, if you want to cry, cry - if you don't, don't. Just don't deny yourself any of those emotions. It's okay to be vulnerable and it's okay to tell those around you that you need support too. I bet they will all be there for you as much as you are for them.
    And WE'RE here for you - so pour your heart out all you need to, my dear!
    Love,
    Tina

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  7. Niki, cry as much as you need to. Even the strong ones need support. You are in my prayers.

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  8. It's so true that you need to let it out...and it's not always a sign of weakness when you do cry. If you keep things inside, in the longrun it will only do harm to your health. You are constantly in my prayers Niki...
    xoxo

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  9. I feel for you... but you don't have to be the strong one always... you are a person with sorrow too.. and it's important to let your feelings go and show them, so other people can be as strong for you as you are for them..

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  10. it will take time....like my friend says here
    http://t44d42.blogspot.com/2006/05/1-your-table-is-ready.html

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  11. I haven't left you a post lately, because I just didn't know what to say, that hasn't already been said. It is just so sad, and hard to think about. I am really, really sorry for your loss. I am not good at saying the right things in these situations...

    I think having an all out cry is what you needed...and I totally agree that a ruined pair of pink sneakers is all you need to set you off. ;o)

    Again, I am thinking of you, and hope you feel better one day.

    And you DO look fabulous!

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