Saturday, October 13

Somebody pressed pause

I have spent the last 2 years working. By working I don't mean making soaps, or sending people off to Capri for the day, or even making up brides. I mean working as I have never done before to make ends meet, to pay the bills. I have had to become a responsible adult. On the Amalfi Coast jobs are limited and seasonal, there are many more people looking for work than there are jobs available. The only job I could find at the time was in an office the size of a small bedroom, sitting at a desk, in front of a computer screen...The best way I can describe how I have felt about this job is: trapped...inprisoned..with my life on hold.

 That may sound dramatic, but as I said before I have NEVER worked in an enclosed space before for such a long period of time and over the last 2 years I have learned that it is not in my nature to be shut in a box.I feel as if my spirit has been stiffled..As if somebody had found the remote control to my life and simply pressed pause.

 My daughter has become a latch key kid and I feel hugely guilty about letting her precious childhood slip away from me as I am forced to sit at the office desk while she sits alone at home. I stopped writing as there has been nothing of interest to write about. Once a week, on Sundays I am granted an afternoon to myself and if I have the time I grab my camera and roam around town taking photos of everything and anything to keep my other blog running. This is all I have had time for and frankly all I have felt inspired to do.


 The first few days in the office I remember sitting in shock, thinking that I couldn't do it, I couldn't just SIT there all day in front of a glowing screen when there were so many other things that I could be doing. Life was supposed to be so much more than this. I sat frustrated as time passed by without being able to participate. I heard about huge forest fires raging out of control in the mountains above, but couldnt go out and see for myself. I heard about amazing yachts pulling into the harbour and famous people wandering the streets nearby, but I never saw them. I was invited to days out on boats and asked to make up brides but office hours controlled my life 7 days a week. Most of the time I didn't even know if the sea was calm or rough as I can't even see it from where I sit.

 The temptation to just get up, grab my bag and walk away has been huge, to walk away and regain control of my life..but I have managed to resist. I had taken on a contract and I wanted to see it through to the end rather than give up and feel that I had failed....

 And now I am nearly there. I'm on the homestretch. I have 10 days left until I am free! I can feel the excitement tingling inside me and find that my feet are starting to impatiently tapdance under the desk. I feel feelings! I can feel hope and relief, energy and motivation waking up inside me, pushing away the boredom, dullness and frustration of the last 2 years. I feel like writing again. I feel like trying. I have a new life ahead of me with so much to do and so many decisions to make.

 I am curious...is anybody still out there? Does anybody care enough to leave me a quick comment, just to let me know that you're there...it's been so long I can understand if you've deleted me from your readers and moved on to more exciting places. But I've missed your company and would love to have you back...

20 comments:

  1. Well I'm here, and new, to this blog anyway. Hello Nikki. Congratulations on writing again. :) The creative is obviously a large part of your life, with your photos and your writing. Trust that you are honouring your soul and your heart when you are being creative. I wish you well on your new adventure (only ten days to go) and I'm looking forward to your reading your posts.
    Luna

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  2. I'm here, as always :) It's so good to see you writing again, and I can't wait to hear (here and in person!) all about what you are up to next! xxxx

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  3. I'm here ... and I know there so many others who will be thrilled that you are back! Keep counting down those days. You're almost there! I look forward to hearing about what adventures lie ahead! xoxo Laura

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  4. I'm still around, darling! :) I want to know what's next!!!

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  5. I never commented but am your reader, so yes, we are here and will welcome new blog entries when you feel like writing. Keep us posted and we'll keep fingers crossed on the job front - what next?

    p.s. We've just come back from Conca dei Marini - heaven! But probably holiday heaven...

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  6. Welcome back Nikki ... I have kept you blog in my blog roll :-)

    I totally understand what you mean, not that I have worked in such a confined space. I have worked in offices, but they have to be with other people and in a open office environment .

    What are you going to do next? Do keep us posted please :-)

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  7. Dear Nikki, I am new to blogging and have been following your delightful blogs since May. Looking forward to what will come next !! You describe life in Positano in such a vivid and colorful manner.

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  8. Still here. Can't wait to see more posts from you!

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  9. Definitely here and looking forward to more frequent posts as you feel able and inspired. I understand the feeling of life being on pause while you stare at a computer all day. Excited for you that the end is insight!

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  10. Wow! I really didnt expect anyone to reply! Thank you so much! xx

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  11. Yes, I am still here and still check regularly to see if you are writing again. :)

    I went to Positano on my October 09 trip and said hi to you. It was the day after a big storm, and you just had time to say hi back, as you were moving a cabana on the beach.

    Very pleased to hear your news and that there will be more to come.

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  12. I am here and I have missed you loads!! I do know, how you feel about office work. At least in the UK weather it isn't so bad, but it must be hell when you live somewhere so beautiful!
    I hope the last 10 days pass quickly for you.

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  13. I'm still reading as well! Glad you are back ;)

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  14. I'm here too. Your blog brings back memories of the wonderful day (yes just one day at the beginning of the off season) we spent in Positano 6 years ago. Everytime I read it I am drawn back to it. Just like trying to pick out places I might have seen from "Under a Tuscan Sun".

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  15. Yes, we are here! I completely understand how you feel about office life. Unfortunately I am trapped myself for the time being. I'm not meant to work in an office either, but freelancing was too stressful and I didn't make enough money. Sigh. Anyway, enjoy your return to real life and I will look forward to reading about your adventures!

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  17. Never deleted you as I knew you'd be back. Just a matter of time.
    Welcome back. Meanwhile I've been enjoying the Daily Phote blog a lot so it's not that you were really GONE.
    ;)

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  18. I always check your blog as its one of the first blogs I had ever read and loved! So happy to have you back, you have been missed!

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  19. I always check your blog! I love it. Keep up the great writing and photography!

    Silvia from the US

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